A Letter to my Daughter on her Birthday...

My dear, sweet Madelyn Grace,

One year ago today you came screaming into this big world of ours.  Your father and I had prepared the best we could for your arrival.  We decorated your room, bought you so many soft cuddly blankets, and carved a spot for you not only in our home but in our hearts.  But those more experienced parents that came before us warned that you can never really be prepared for a baby.  And they were right.  We waited to name you until we saw your sweet face, and you were without a doubt our Maddie Grace.  We knew you from the moment we laid eyes on you.  One year ago I held you while you slept, undoubtedly tired from your exhausting entrance into this great big world.  And as I rocked you to sleep tonight on your first birthday tears filled my eyes, they were tears of pure joy, for my sweet girl you are our world and you make us so very happy.  Your daddy and I laughed when you woke us up in the middle of your first night with very loud and very unladylike gas.  I remember it made my incision hurt we were giggling so hard.  Every day since has been filled with laughter and joy.  Sure, some days have a little more smiles and laughs than others, but you have such a joyous little spirit and you make us smile every. single. day.  You make us smile and laugh even on the hardest days, the ones where the tears come quickly and we feel like we are drowning, you brighten our hearts. 

Little one, we love you more than you could ever possibly know.  I’m not sure I have the words to convey that love to you.  I hope you feel it, even when I’m frustrated and you’re frustrated and neither of us are getting what we want.  I hope you feel it even though I make you do things like Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy and especially Speech Therapy when you would much rather play and flirt with your therapists.  I hope you feel it when I rock you to sleep.  Those are my favorite moments, when you are just tired enough to be super cuddly, but not yet tired enough to give up the fight.  You usually reach for my face and I kiss your hand and you giggle.  Every single time, you giggle.  I hope you feel it when we have deep belly laughs when I’m “eating” your toes (which you find most hilarious).

Your personality has blossomed over the last few months, you’re the only one who claps when I sing, you also laugh at me when I wear my hair curly, and you are very, very determined to not wear a bow.  We are fighting that one out – sweet girl, bows just look too cute in your hair, so I’m just not ready to give in on that one.

Oh my precious child, the world is your oyster, and I want you to experience everything this big world has to offer.  I want you to know that you have the most amazing “entourage” to support you on your journey.  The day you were born there were so many people camped out to see your sweet face there weren’t enough chairs in the waiting room.  Now, this is the hard part – I want you to know that not all days are going to be filled with rainbows and sunshine (although if I could I would make them all perfect for you).  But know when those dark clouds and thunderstorms set in, your daddy and I are right there by your side.  We will weather any storm this world throws at us.  On hard days, we will be your rocks, we love you unconditionally and without fail we will be by your side.  Sometimes, my perfect angel, this world can be cruel.  My prayer is that your father and I instill in you confidence, patience, and kindness so that when it is cruel you can handle it.

I can’t wait to watch you grow.  I love watching you learn new things, I love watching your face when you discover new things.  A few weeks ago you discovered Ellie’s water bowl.  You were so excited and that joy was contagious.  I probably should have stopped you, but I took a picture instead.  You were beyond pleased with yourself.  These are the moments that make being your mama wonderful.  They more than make up for the times you wake up screaming at midnight (like you did last night you little stinker!).    

Baby, (and yes you will always be my baby) I love you to the moon and back.

Love,

Mama

It's amazing what a year will do...

This past year has changed me in more ways than I will ever be able to understand or ever really be able to vocalize.  Maddie Grace has expanded my heart in ways I didn’t know possible.  Goodness gracious, sweet babies come to this earth and bring so much love with them.  She has strengthened my relationship with Adam in ways I didn’t know it could be strengthened.  Watching him be a father has been amazing.  She has opened doors in my heart that I didn’t know needed opening.  Most importantly, she has taught me how truly valuable every single human life is and she has made me question what is truly important in life. 

I’m about to tell a story, one that makes me ashamed.  But it’s probably one of the best examples of what I mean by the above statement.  Several years ago, before I was pregnant, I saw a man with his daughter at Chick- Fil-a.  It was a typical Saturday afternoon – the place was packed.  I had been out shopping and running errands with Adam and we stopped in for a quick lunch.  There, in line a few people in front of me, was a little girl and her father.  If I had to guess the girl was probably 6 years old.  She was holding her father’s hand and generally being a pain in the butt.  She was twirling around, shaking his hand, asking for a cookie, and jumping up and down.  She had Down syndrome.  I remember looking over and thinking: gosh, I bet he hates his life.  Literally, in the time it took for me to glance over those awful things popped in my head.  I went about my day but obviously, this moment in time stayed with me, considering I remember it now.  Looking back on that moment the thing that stands out the most to me now is that I was able to witness such a typical moment of a father with his daughter.   She was doing all of the things most 6 year olds do.  She was annoying the snot out of her father in a crowded restaurant.  In my ignorance, I thought that having a child I perceived as being so “different” made that loving parent have a terrible or undesirable life.  How very stupid and naive I was.  The only reason that nasty thought popped into my mind was because that little girl had a chromosomal abnormality that she could neither change nor help. I wish I could go back to that moment and see that child, her father, and their life differently.  I’m glad that I’ve been given the opportunity to love someone with Down syndrome who has totally changed my perspective on life. 

Growth is hard.  Growing as a person, expanding your heart, learning more about God and His love has defined the last year for me.  The past year has made me question who I am as a person and who I want to be.  I know one thing for certain, I've grown more over the past year than I did in the last 28 years.  And I owe it all to one tiny soul and her sweet smile.